Black Waters
by FullMoonFantasy
Summary: Sirius has made the worst mistake of his life. He has betrayed Remus' biggest secret. How will this (and Sirius secret love for said friend) affect the Marauders' friendship? (This is going to be a slash fic ;-) )
1. Brothers

Everything around him was darkness. Cold and utter darkness. His eyes stung, the rest of his body numb. Sirius had sunk so deep he had lost every sense of orientation, but he didn´t care. It didn´t matter.  
>Unconsciously his lips started parting, he only noticed, that he must have opened his mouth, when he felt the cool water stream into him and sensed the slight taste of salt on his tongue – but no, he did not intend to drown himself. He hardly even noticed what was happening, the only thing he craved at the moment was the smooth comfort he always used to find in the icy water of the lake, the feeling of security it usually gave him, but tonight he couldn´t find it. So he had let his body descend deeper and deeper into the vast blackness of the lake – still, without success.<br>Sirius had lost track of time completely, for it felt like he had been down in the water forever, which couldn´t be true, because his lungs had not yet started to scream for oxygen. Nevertheless - his brain had apparently taken up its work again - he knew he´d better get out of the water before the freezing cold of the water robbed him of all his senses. Otherwise, breaking the surface of the water would mean reentering the world outside, the world he was running from, because he couldn´t bear to live with what he had done, he wasn´t brave enough to face their disappointment. So, why not take the easy road and…-  
>-SPLASH-<br>Suddenly everything was a blur. He couldn´t see anything, but Sirius had heard a muted splashing sound and he felt foreign limbs grab his waist – `the Giant Squid?`, was his first thought - and drag him somewhere, he didn´t know whether they were directed up- or downwards. Not until he felt a chilly breeze hit his cheeks. Only now did he realize his body´s dire need for air. Hastily he sucked in the fresh night´s air, painfully ignoring the stings this sent through his lungs. At that moment he really felt like dying, like it couldn´t get any worse – but as always, when someone thinks something like that, it was just about to get even worse.

'You stupid git!' James shouted, panting.  
>'Are you trying to kill yourself? You could´ve just asked me, I would´ve gladly taken that job into my hands!'<p>

Sirius was still trying to calm his burning lungs, but even if he wasn´t, he wouldn´t have known what to answer.

'You know, he´s lying in the hospital wing just as we´re speaking! In fact, both of them are!' Sirius hadn´t noticed until now, that the moon had already set and that day was dawning – the most horrible night of his live had seemingly ended, but this was just the beginning of even more pain and horror. He couldn´t even bring himself to think of the two boys lining in the hospital wing. Sirius needn´t ask who 'both of them' were, Remus and Snape must both have received serious injuries – all because of him.

'Why?' James´ voice suddenly sounded soft, he was sitting down on the ground, leaning on a tall willow´s trunk and burying his face in his arms.  
>'You are my best mate, you´ll always be! You´re like a brother to me, but how could you betray him like that? I… I thought he meant something to you, I thought the word 'friendship' meant something to you! And what the hell is wrong with you, to just run away from the mess you´ve caused and try to drown yourself like a filthy little coward?' Now James´ voice broke, it was too dark to see more than shadows, but Sirius could hear that his best friend was trying to hold back his tears – and failing.<br>'You… you can´t leave like that, you…-'

Sirius had finally found his voice.  
>'I didn´t!' he croaked, every word hurting like hell. 'I just wanted to get away from all of this, drown out the horror I felt when I noticed, what I had done, and this is where I always go if I want to be all by myself.' James still didn´t seem satisfied.<br>'Usually I go here for a swim, at least every other night I wake up from some stupid nightmare, feeling angry or helpless or alone…' Shit, why did he even tell James all that? He had never talked to anyone about his feelings like that, he felt weaker and more vulnerable than ever before and he thanked everything that was sacred (which were only a select few things to him, anyway) for the shelter of the darkness.  
>'You and the others never notice, but those dreams get really bad… they´re real! I mean, they always show me the darkest hours of my life, it´s almost like being tortured by the Cruciatus curse again…' he shouldn´t have said that. James didn´t know, but Sirius had actual experience with that curse – as a victim only, of course, of his tyrant of a father – and his words brought back the memories and all the emotions he tried to suppress in order to keep his sanity.<br>'I… I usually come here for a swim…' Sirius repeated, stuttering, in an attempt to distract James from what he had confessed. The other boy seemed shocked speechless.

'You know, I don´t have that muscular body just by nature, it´s because I spend half my nights ridding myself of my rage at what my family has done to me by getting physical exercise down here at the lake… but that´s not why I´m doing it, I mean, my body… the water comforts me, when I swim I don´t have to concentrate on anything but the movements of my limbs, I don´t have to wear that mask of nonchalance I put on whenever I´m around other people, I can just let go and…' Without warning James hugged him fiercely.

Sirius took a deep breath, he had to continue to explain the pandemonium that was going on inside him. He felt that if he didn´t do it now, he would never muster up the courage to do so.

'You asked, why I told Snape. I… I know this was the most stupid thing I ever did, I really hate the fact that I never think before I do things, that I am so impulsive, so downright foolish! I just, I hated him so much at that moment! I wanted him to never open that stupid mouth of his again!'  
>Sirius growled and hit the trunk they were now both leaning against with his closed fist, the pain calmed him.<br>'He ran into me on my way to dinner, at first I didn´t even notice it was him, but then he spat at me and told me I was a disgrace for the wizarding world, that I should be ashamed of myself for being too stupid to acknowledge my duties as heir of the Black family and even worse, for allying myself with blood traitors and 'filthy half-breed creatures', as he put it. I was so shocked, at first I was unable to speak or move, but then he continued! He had noticed the shocked expression on my faced and put on a sardonic smile saying that he knew, and that it was just a matter of time until everyone knew. He was threatening to ruin Remus´ life! I struck him, in his face, his disgusting little face!' Sirius emphasized this triumphantly, if only to delay the last part of his recollection, his confession.  
>He closed his eyes, feeling more confident like that.<br>'You certainly are aware that I´ve never hit him before, neither of us have ever used physical violence against him, it was always magic… Well, he noticed that too… and made his own conclusions…'

'Yeah, hitting him, that´s a new one… but I don´t think it´s that unusual, I don´t know what you´re getting at…' James sounded confused.

'You´ll understand in a minute…' Why was this so hard? After everything that happened the previous night, pouring his soul out to his best friend in the world should come as a relief.  
>'Okay… So I struck him, but the smug grin stayed on his lips and widened, mocking me even more. 'Oh, I see, you are the knight in shining armor whose duty it is to defend the Lady Lupin´s honor? Or are you the Lady in that twisted relationship of yours?' and then I told him… where to go, if he wanted to watch… us and our twisted relationship…' Sirius´ voice trailed off, lost in yet another painful memory.<p>

'But that´s ridiculous!' James burst out. 'Why did that stupid comment bother you so much? I mean, some people are giving me the same shit about you and me, because we´re so close and defend each other at every occasion, but that´s loyalty, that´s friendship!'

'No, in my case it´s more.' Sirius almost whispered now. 'He was right in his assumptions, Prongs! I´ve been trying to figure out my feelings for Moony for a while now and I think I might like him a bit more than in a friendly way… but I´m still struggling with this realization myself, I… he… I didn't want him to have that information about me, it´s still new to me and my love life is none of his business, I´ve never loved someone before, it feels so pure and sweet – and don´t look at me like that, I don´t need to see your face to know that you were rolling your eyes when I said 'pure and sweet' - I know it sounds terribly cheesy but that´s the only way I can describe why exactly I got so angry at him! I didn´t want Snape to ruin that pureness, I needed some more time to get used to it myself before anyone could confront me like that…Shit, I am so sorry… '

The sun had risen high enough to allow Sirius to look into James´ eyes – although he had no idea where this courage had come from. James looked more than a bit surprised, he surely hadn´t seen that coming.

'You really are fucked up, mate!' was all he said, his lips turning into a smile when he laid his arm around his best friend´s shoulders. The sat like that for more than an hour without any words being said, but it was not an awkward and uncomfortable sort of silence, they just didn´t need to say aloud what they were thinking in order to understand each other for the two dark haired boys truly were brothers in spirit.


	2. Aftermath

**Hello out there :-) I´m back with another chapter. Although I actually enjoy writing just for the sake of it, I really do hope some of you guys are hving a good time reading this! Let me know ;-) I´m always trying to improve!**

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><p><strong>Aftermath<strong>

Sirius wished he could have stayed like that forever, sitting on the shore of the lake next to James in total silence, far away from what he knew he had to face: How he had used his friend´s secret selfishly to punish his Nemesis for discovering his own deepest secret.

'Let get it over with. I can´t be hiding out here forever, won´t make things any better...' he said in a shallow voice, resignation written all over his face.

'It´s going to be allright, I´m sure.' James said reassuringly. 'You´ll be facing some tough weeks, maybe months, I know, but in the end, you´ll be able to work things out. He´s going to forgive you, you know that... hell, he´s probably even going to blame himself...' he shook his head.

Sirius knew damn well that this was most likely the case and he hated it. Hated it even more than the thought of Remus being too angry with him to ever forgive him. It pained him so much to see his self-conscious friend blaming himself for things that weren´t even slightly his fault. Every month after the full moon he noticed it in the other boy´s amber eyes, that he held himself responsible for every bruise, every cut any of the three Animagi had received, howsoever small and insignificant. None of them ever wasted a single thought on blaming Remus, however. They had chosen to go through the full moons together and known from the start that this would include minor (and sometimes uglier) injuries, but neither of them did mind.

Sirius was so lost in his thoughts that he only noticed, that they had reached the hospital wing when James ungently shook him out of his thoughts.

'Someone there? Sirius, I´m talking to you!'

'Er... yeah, sorry' Sirius said, shaking his head, trying to focus on what James was saying, without success. 'Sorry... what´d you say?'

'I asked if you wanted to go in there alone or if I should come with you.' James said, a soft smile on his lips.

'I think I have to do this on my own.' Sirius sounded unsure, his best friend´s support being more than a little tempting. Before he could change his mind Sirius opened the white door that led to the infirmary. He walked past a few empty beds until he reached two bed with drawn curtains. He gulped, his Hand moving tentatively towards one of the curtains in order to get a look at who was lying in the bed behind it, but he was interrupted by a calm voice before his fingers did even touch the fabric.

'Good Morning, Mr. Black, I suppose you are looking for your friend Mr. Lupin?' Sirius would have recognized that voice everywhere, although it sounded sterner than usual.

He turned around, the last remnants of his courage leaving him, too embarrassed to look the older wizard in the eye.

'´was jus´ going to check whether he´s okay' he mumbled, almost unintelligibly silent.

'How thoughtful of you. I almost feel bad for having to delay that noble intention of yours a little, but given the circumstances I need to make sure seeing you won´t cause any further damage to Mr. Lupin, after what happened last night. Would you be so kind as to accompany me to the privacy of my office?' Dumbledore more stated than asked, turning to leave for his office even as he spoke without awaiting an answer from Sirius, clearly expecting the boy to follow him.

'So, I have only heard the story from Mr. Pettigrew, a quite crude Version of it, it seems to me. He couldn´t quite explain why he had been at the Shack himself, neither how he managed to get away without any visible injuries.' Of course, Dumbledore didn´t know about the Boys being Animagi. 'According to his recollection of last night´s events, Mr. Potter saved Mr. Snape, who had for some reason found the entrance to the Shrieking Shack, miraculously not suffering any injuries apart from a few little scratches himself. Mr. Potter brought Mr. Snape up to the Great Hall where they were picked up by Mr. Filch who immediately summoned me and your Head of House. Young Mr. Snape´s injuries, I am relieved to say, lookes much worse, than they truly were. When I arrived, he was barely conscious and only managed to mention your name in a very rude and impolite way. On Hearing your name, Mr. Potter turned without any Kind of explanation and started racing out towards the grounds. So, I don´t have any idea what your part is in all of this, but I am sure you can enlighten me.' the headmaster finished with an expectant glint in his disconcertingly blue eyes.

Sirius felt more ashamed of himself than he´d ever thought possible. He hadn´t expected he would have to explain everything he´d done to the headmaster himself, he´d been sure someone else would have already passed that information onto Dumbledore.

'Snape insulted Remus, and then me, and he threatened to tell everyone - that Remus was a werewolf!' Sirius blurt out, his voice cracking, he was desperately trying to justify what he had done, more to himself than to the headmaster, who was only sitting there, intently watching the Boy in front of him.

'No, that´s not what I really wanted. I was blinded by rage and didn´t think, it just slipped and then it was too late... I just couldn´t let him tell anyone... It would have destroyed Remus´ live! I panicked, I couldn´t think of any other way to stop him. It was so stupid, I know! I´ve been torturing myself since I grasped the amount of the mayhem and pain I´ve caused, I really hate myself for what I´ve done and I´m sure he does, too, I mean, he has every right to...' Sirius was now speaking faster, frantically defending himself, but it was pointless, nothing he said would change anything.

'I see...' Dumbledore said thoughtfully. 'I realize that you tried to protect your friend, though, in a highly immature and ill-conceived way... Still, I will have to inform your Head of House on this. I am sure you are well aware of the fact that this matter is not going to pass you by without severe consequences, detention for the rest of the term being only the slightest.'

'Wait!' Sirius exclaimed. 'So this means... this means you´re not going to expel me?'

'That would be a little harsh, don´t you think?' Dumbledore said, offering a consoling smile.  
>'You are, however, lucky that Mr. Snape got off lightly, it turned out he only suffered one slash across his leg. He lost quite a large amount of blood, but otherwise he is fine.'<p>

'So, can I go see him?' Sirius burst out, now that he had been relieved of his greatest fear unable to control his impatience.

'I think I can trust you enough not to do anything thoughtless again.' the headmaster said sternly and Sirius quickly nodded.

'Oh, and send me Mr. Potte, in case he crosses your path.' the old wizard added.

Sirius nodded his head again violently, dying to get to the infirmary.

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><p>Remus hadn´t woken up yet, he looked worse than usual, deathly pale with dark red shadows under his eyes. He was ebarassingly aware of the big lump in his throat and the tears starting t fill his eyes when he noticed a faint hint of amber between Remus´ soft lashes.<p>

'Hey, Padfoot' he croaked, a dull smile playing across his lips. 'Must´ve been a tough moon, I feel like shite' he tried to laugh but stopped and his faced twisted in pain. Of course, he didn´t know what had happened, he never remembered much. Sirius felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of explaining things all over again to Remus, but he knew he couldn´t back out. Remus would learn what had happened soon anyway and Hearing it from someone else would only make things worse.

'Rem, I have to tell you something.' He began nervously, his voice nearly an octave higher than usual, taking a deep breath to calm down. The other Boy looked at him in alarm.

'I made a huge mistake, the worst thing I can think of. I ran into Snape before dinner yesterday, he said some really terrible things... about you... about me, I was so mad, he told me he knew that you were a werewolf, that everyone deserved to know, he went on, ranting against half-breeds - his words, not mine! - and I saw red, I told him to come to the Shack if he wanted to know what was truly going on, that you weren´t a monster as he claimed.' Sirius had left out a certain aspect of his fight with Snape purposefully.  
>'He actually came, I didn´t expect he would... but don´t worry, he´s hardly hurt!' Sirius tried to reassure Remus who looked like experiencing the shock of his life.<p>

'Don´t worry?' he breathed emotionlessly. 'You tell me not - to - worry? Do you realize what happened? I could have killed him! It... it was just a matter of time somthing like that happened... Snape IS right! I AM a monster, too dangerous to be unleashed on the whole Population of this school! I should have never been allowed to attend Hogwarts.' Remus shook his head, avoiding Sirius glistening eyes.

'Please, don´t blame yourself for the damage I caused!' Sirius begged, at a loss with what else to say.

'Oh, don´t bother, I´m blaming you, too.' Remus said in an uncharacteristicly bitter voice. 'You know perfectly well how self-conscious I am of my lycantropy, that I have ever since been struggling internally with the fear that people like Snape are right after all, that I truly am the Monster they say I am. And by what you did, you confirmed all my deepest fears! And I thought yoe were my friend, thought you cared about my mental stability...'

'I do...' Sirius said weakly.

'Apparently not enough to, for a change, think before you act!' Remus shouted, the exertion of raising his voice being enough to send jolts of pain through his badly affected body.

'Please, leave. We´re done.' Remus sobbed.

Sirius paled, his hands falling limply to his sides. He opened his mouth, trying to say something, anything, that would change things between them, make everything allright again, but neither could he find the words, nor did his body seem willing to work. He didn´t know how or why his feet started moving, but they did, guiding him out of the hospital wing, still unable to think straight. He went straight to his dormitory, let himself fall onto his bed, fully clothed, never noticing that he was still soakingly wet, he couldn´t sleep, neither did he bear to put up with the thoughts going through his mind, so he just lay there, blankly staring at the ceiling of his four-poster, not sleeping, not thinking.

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><p>James had gone to the only person he could think of, after the heavy door of the hospital wing had closed behind Sirius: Lily Evans.<p>

He didn´t know what drove him to her, exactly. They still hadn´t gotten past the point of her seemingly despising him more than anything else and him being, for some inexplicable reason, more in love with her than ever. Maybe it was because she was Snape´s friend - and Remus´ too, or at least she used to be... but James thought she still would care enough to listen to him.

'Lily! Can we talk?' he asked shyly. He hardly ever called her by her first name. She must have also noticed his unusual approach for he could tell that she had been just about to decline, when she hesitated, furrowed her eyebrows and slowly nodded her head.

He felt a weight being lifted off his mind and gestured for her to follow him somewhere more private.

'What is this all about, James? I swaer, if this is another scheme to get me to going out with you, ...-'

He cut her off. 'No, don´t worry! But, actually, I figure this is about something much worse, than me molesting you...' She had called him by his first name, too! He felt his heart leap in his chest. She still looked confused.

'Snape is hurt, Remus too, they´re both in the hospital wing.' he explained, suddenly he noticed that he didn´t have any clue as of what to tell her, since she didn´t know about Remus´ lycantropy.

'Holy shit! What happened? Some of your stupid pranks, I guess...' she looked angry all of a sudden.

'NO! How come you always think the worst of me? It´s not always my fault! They... they somehow ended up underneath the Whomping Willow, got beaten up quite badly. I just wanted to ask you if you cared to join me, for a visit to the infirmary, you know...' he said, happy to have found a plausible Explanation for what had happened.

'Well... yeah, sure I´ll join you. But since when are either Remus or Severus stupid enough to go near that raging tree?' she was far too suspicious at this moment for James´ taste.

'It was kind of an accident, well... almost,... you could say it was a bit of Sirius´ fault, but that doesn´t really matter now... He´s blaming himself enough already. Oh Lily, he seemed really miserable, I´m worried about him...'

It felt good to talk to her about what had happened, even though he had altered some of the details. The previous night´s events were bothering him more than he had noticed at first.  
>Physically, both Remus and Snape were going to be fine, he had made sure of that himself. The inside damage this night would leave on Remus, however, was a different matter... but he couldn´t possibly talk to Lily about that without giving away too much information about Remus´ condition. He knew Remus, though, and he was quite confident that he would, given the right amount of time, be able to fix up his wolfish friend.<br>What upset him more, at the moment, was the state he had found Sirius in. Seeing his best friend unmoving in the cold water of the lake had caused his heart to drop, at first he thought he had come too late. Sirius had never been one to run away and resign, but last night he had done just that and that was what truly worried James, because he didn´t have any experience with Sirius behaving like that.

James noticed that several minutes must have passed since he finished his last sentence and Lily was looking at him curiously.

'You have to promise that you won´t tell, noone, and Sirius must never know that I told you, du you understand?' he stated intently, waiting until she nodded in agreement, before telling her everything that had happened at the lake - except for Sirius´ love confession, of course.

This was what both of them were going to remember later on as their first real conversation, without fighting, cursing or any of the sort - a Milestone.


End file.
